The Graduation Speech I Didn’t Hear

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

If there was ever a time I needed a nap, it was Sunday afternoon, May 6, 1990. I was tired. I was hungover. And I was bored out of my mind.

Instead, I was wide awake and sitting on a folding chair in a football stadium, roasting in the blazing Virginia sun. And I would be there for three hours.

I was graduating from college.

These days at my alma mater, James Madison University, they have separate graduation ceremonies for various degree programs and colleges. Back then, they had one big one. Every graduate was announced, filed across the stage, and accepted a form letter (our diplomas came in the mail) and a handshake from the university president.

I don’t recall how many graduated that day. Maybe 1,300, maybe 1,800. The exact number is lost to memory. But it was a lot, and it made for a long afternoon.

Did I mention I was hung over?

A rite of passage

It’s graduation season again. Young people across the country are crossing the threshold separating their youthful past from an unknown future. A common feature of this rite of passage, especially for those graduating from college, is the commencement address.

In these addresses, a celebrity, a politician, someone with an inspiring life story, a recipient of an honorary degree, or a donor to the institution (often the speaker is some combination of these), bestows life advice on the graduates as they embark on the next chapter of their lives.

Occasionally, these speeches are terrific. Some live on for years. Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech at Stanford is one that regularly resurfaces.

Often, though, at least in my experience, commencement speeches, well, … kind of suck.

The speaker at my graduation that sweltering May afternoon was a federal government official. I’d never heard of him. I think he was a secretary of something or other.

I do recall he opened his speech in the best possible way. He acknowledged that we didn’t want to hear a long-winded, boring commencement address. So, he wasn’t going to deliver one.

And then he did. With a vengeance. He delivered one of the longest, most boring speeches I’d ever heard. Or ever would hear.

I assume he stopped at some point. I remember walking across the stage and shaking the president’s hand. But memories of events 34 years in the past being fuzzy as they are, it’s also possible he never finished.

He might still be droning on somewhere.

What I really needed to hear

The next day, I drove home and moved back in with my parents. I had no job waiting for me. No plan. No clue about what I wanted to do next. And no view, clear or otherwise, of what the future held.

In retrospect, I needed more from that commencement speaker. There were things he could have said that might have helped sustain me through the challenges ahead.

“Your first job may not be the right fit for you.”

“You won’t live with your parents forever.”

“Stay thirsty, my friends.”

Helpful life advice. That’s what I would have appreciated.

As I’m slated to hear a handful of commencement addresses in the coming weeks, I’ve been thinking about what other wisdom he might have imparted.

Here’s what I’ve come up with.

“As you sit here today, you may believe you understand how success is defined. God help you if you are still defining success the same way in 20 or 30 years.”

“While on campus, you may have known people you couldn’t stand. Don’t be surprised or discouraged when some of them go on to do great things, with their accomplishments dwarfing your hard-earned success. Them’s the breaks.”

“One day, you’ll think back on your younger self and realize that, through age and experience, you’ve become someone the younger you needed in their life. Namely, an older person who could have bought them alcohol.”

“On that same subject, your drinking days aren’t over. Your days of drinking cheap beer, however, are numbered. This is a good thing.”

“You’ll never be dumber than you are right now. There will, however, be times when you will—and probably should—question this.”

“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but professional wrestling isn’t real.”

“You’ve learned many things in college, but much of this knowledge will have a short shelf life. WordPerfect is great, but not as perfect as you might think. No one, including you, will use it within a few years. And, while you can, enjoy bragging about your proficiency with Lotus 1-2-3. On the other hand, that human sexuality course will prove valuable your entire life, if you’re lucky. And if you’re never lucky, well, that course will have been worthless, too.”

“In the years ahead, you’ll occasionally be tempted to embrace nostalgia, shun the present, and live in the past. Do it!”

“You may recall, in 1986 there was an event called Hands Across America. At the time, you may have mocked it, believing it was one of the dumbest ideas ever. Time will prove you right.”

“One day you will meet an old man in a Jewish Community Center locker room. He will be a retired surveyor who will marvel that during his 20-year career working amid brush and high roadside grass, he never once saw a snake. May you be as oblivious to the ‘snakes’ you’ll encounter in your workplaces.”

“At some point, you will determine you need to make better decisions about what you put in your body. You may be tempted to switch to Diet Mt, Dew. After all, it is a lower-calorie alternative to the unhealthy soft drink you now guzzle with abandon. Save your money. Diet Mt. Dew is mind-bogglingly nasty.”

“As you scatter from this campus, you may worry about moving on from your closest friends. Whether or not this happens is up to you. Stay in touch, stay present in each other’s lives, and you will remain friends forever.”

“Life will be harder than you expect. But it can also be better.”

A speech I’m looking forward to

If you are graduating this spring, congratulations!

If you will be participating in or attending a graduation ceremony, here’s hoping you find the commencement address you hear memorable in all the right ways.

Coincidentally, my oldest son is graduating in a few weeks and is speaking at his commencement ceremony. He asked me to help him with his speech.

One of my suggested additions was the following paragraph:

From my parents, I learned honesty, integrity, honor, perseverance, community, leadership, stewardship, self-discipline, humility, values, hard work, resourcefulness, sincerity, dependability, humor, listening skills, generosity, open-mindedness, courtesy, service, compassion, faith, presence, acceptance, self-reliance, critical thinking, spirituality, justice, a love of the arts, frugality, will, punctuality, courteousness, accountability, diligence, time management, self-control, caring, fairness, kindness, consideration, patriotism, concern for the common good, decision-making, responsibility, pride, courage, loyalty, empathy, intelligence, curiosity, grit, innovation, effectiveness, resilience, optimism, calmness, strength, conscientiousness, friendliness, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, ethics, maturity, productivity, creativity, logic, individualism, observation, independence, charm, adventurousness, enthusiasm, politeness, appreciation, imagination, consistency, fashion, conviction, reason, civics, cleverness, proficiency, teamwork, collaboration, determination, and authenticity.  

When I sent this paragraph to him, he replied, “Haha, I learned some of those things from you.”

Which reminds me. I left “smartassery” off the list.