Bye, Mennen

There are, admittedly, many things in this world to keep us up at night—wars in the Middle East and Ukraine, the looming climate catastrophe, the occassional sad reminder that even once-youthful stars of beloved sitcoms are mortal.

But now I have another, albeit more personal, crisis to focus on.

They’ve stopped making my deodorant.

You just have to understand

Why does this matter? Well, you just have to understand. I started wearing Speed Stick Musk when I was a teenager—40 or so years ago. In those days Speed Stick was made “BY MENNEN” as the manly sounding mini jingle that punctuated the TV commercials declared.

I don’t remember exactly when I started wearing Speed Stick Musk. But I know it was sometime in the eighties. I was likely wearing it when I went on my first date. And I was most assuredly wearing it when I watched the ball roll through Bill Buckner’s legs in that pivotal moment of the 1986 World Series.

I was wearing it when I got my first job, and, years later, when I was laid off.

I was wearing it when I got married. I was wearing it on 9/11. I was wearing it when I ran my first half marathon (okay, at least when I started running it).

I was wearing it the day I became a father. And I was wearing it both evenings, a year apart, when my sons graduated from high school.

I started wearing it long before I met many of my closest friends.

I’m wearing it right now.

Obviously, Speed Stick Musk and I have been through a lot. We’ve lived a life together. Now it’s gone. And I don’t like it.

I no longer noticed it

I don’t recall why I started wearing it in the first place. Musk was a trendy personal grooming scent in the eighties. I never knew exactly what “musk” meant or was supposed to smell like. I just knew that I liked it.

I have no idea what others thought. Did I smell fine, or did I offend? (Please don’t answer that, by the way.) But it mattered that I could wear a deodorant I didn’t have to think about because, over time, I had grown so accustomed to it that I no longer noticed it.

Now, I have to start over.

Sure, I could sign a petition …

But it appears I’m not entirely alone. In September, someone launched an online petition at change.org to bring back Speed Stick Musk. Given that in six months the petition has tallied just under 1,300 signatures, there doesn’t appear to be a groundswell of support for getting the product back on store shelves.

I didn’t sign the petition (I’m not much of a petition-signer) but I also didn’t want to give in without asking a few questions.

The aromatic green scent of bad news

I emailed Colgate-Palmolive, which acquired Mennen in 1992, to ask when and why they had phased out Speed Stick Musk and to see if there were any plans to reintroduce it.

A few days later, I received a response from Brenda, a consumer affairs representative at the company. (I assume Brenda is a real person, but in the age of AI and chatbots, who knows?) The email said the following:

Thank you for your recent inquiry about Speed Stick Musk Deodorant. We appreciate your interest in our company and are pleased to have the opportunity to respond.

We are sorry to tell you that the product you are interested in is not currently being manufactured. In response to decreased consumer demand, we sometimes have to stop making a product … Even though we cannot help you at this time, it is important for us to hear from consumers, such as you, so that we are aware of your continued interest. We will be sure to share your comments with our Business Development Group.

Brenda went on to recommend I try a different product, Men’s Speed Stick Power Sport antiperspirant, which she insists “has an Aromatic Green Scent.” She even offered to send me a coupon for a free stick, which was a nice gesture, but as of this writing the coupon has yet to arrive.

So, the hard, cold fact is now confirmed. No more Speed Stick Musk. And there appears to be nothing else to say other than the obvious.

This stinks!